Getting Your Black Belt in Verbal Kung Fu
Getting Your Black Belt in Verbal Kung Fu
As a primary school teacher with over 15 years of experience, I have watched how schools handle bullying. I have sat in on the conversations. I have heard the advice given to kids who come to teachers in tears. And honestly? Most of it makes things worse.
The standard advice goes something like this: "Tell them how it makes you feel. Say, when you do that, it hurts my feelings."
I understand why we say it. We are trying to teach empathy. We want kids to communicate. But here is the problem. The bully already knows it hurts your feelings. That is exactly why they did it.
Don't give them what they want
Bullying continues because it is working. The bully gets a reaction, and that reaction is the reward. When the reaction stops, the interest fades. It is not complicated, but it is also not easy to pull off when you are the one being hurt.
"The more upset you get, the more fun they have."
I have tested this myself, both in my Wing Chun classes and in the classroom. I let students say the nastiest things they can think of to me. I just agree. "Yeah, maybe." "Thanks for sharing that." "Noted." They run out of ammo fast. There is nothing left to fire when the target does not flinch.
Now try the other approach. Act hurt. Tell them they are being mean. Watch what happens. You have just handed them more ammunition and shown them it is worth continuing.
The forcefield idea
A friend of mine who teaches kids martial arts in Australia has a great way of framing this. He talks about forcefields. How strong is yours? What level is it on? What kinds of comments get through? How can you level it up so fewer things can hurt you?
He gamifies it, and kids love it. Because the goal is not to pretend nothing ever stings. It is to build the kind of emotional strength where you get to choose whether something lands. That is real resilience.
In our Wing Chun classes, we practise this every session. Wing Chun is not built on size or aggression. It is built on intelligence, reading the situation, and not giving away more than you have to. That principle applies just as much off the mat as on it.
The hard truth no one wants to say
Here is something I tell my students that tends to land with a thud: you can change schools. You can move suburbs. It does not matter. Wherever you go, someone like that will be there. At school. At work. In adult life. I have experienced it myself.
We cannot change other people. We can only change how we respond to them. That is the lesson.
If you want to cry, cry somewhere they cannot see you. Never give a bully the satisfaction of knowing they got through.
This is not the typical advice you would get from a teacher, but to be realistic, a bully's comments will sting. They are going to try and hit you with something that hurts. And the things that hurt most often have some element of truth behind them. That is what makes them land. The comments that cut the deepest are the ones we are already a little sensitive about. So we are not above being hurt by them. They will cut us deep. But don't show that to the bully. That is exactly what they want.
Should the bully's behaviour be dealt with? Absolutely, especially if it is ongoing. But it is the sensitive kids who are targeted, for the very reason that they are sensitive. Building that emotional armour is not optional. It is essential.
Watch this
There is a video I show my students that demonstrates this perfectly. A speaker does a live experiment with a volunteer in front of a room full of kids. He lets her say whatever she wants to try and get a reaction out of him. Then he switches it up and shows what it looks like when you do not take the bait. The contrast is stark, and the kids get it immediately.
Worth 7 minutes of your time, especially if you have a child who is struggling with this right now.
At Wing Chun Kuen Auckland, we teach kids not just how to handle a physical threat, but how to handle verbal ones too. Confidence, emotional control, and the ability to stay calm under pressure are skills we practise every single class.
If your child is struggling with bullying, or you just want them to have tools for life, we would love to have them come along for a free trial.
